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It's Okay Not To Be Okay

I'm writing this from a heavy place. From a raw and emotive state in which I feel lost. I feel like I am frustrated, fed up, scared, hurt, negative and yet motivated and positive all rolled into one. How can someone feel this many things! If you are a regular reader or follower you will know that i'm not shy in telling my honest thoughts and feelings to the world... its important for me to be real.

What I am struggling with, is motivating and inspiring others through being a personal trainer, and yet often feeling like I am unmotivated myself?! So why do I feel like this? I believe there is no full answer to this, however possibly a combination of factors.

The main one... my health!

I feel tired 24/7, and not just a bit worn out, I mean exhausted. I'm dragging myself out of bed after solid 10 hours of sleep and unable to keep going through the day. I ache all the time, I have headaches daily and I get ALOT of stomach pains. I feel like I am constantly walking through treacle, like everything is an effort. What have I done about it? Everything! I eat well, I exercise, I don't over train, I rest, I take my vitamins, I lead a healthy life.

I've struggled with my health since childhood, back and forth to doctors, medical specialists and A&E. There are still little answers! I've had certain diagnosis's such as Endometriosis in which I have had two laparoscopy's and recently Diathermy. I also have Hypermobility Syndrome. But are these two purely causing me to feel this way? Are they honestly the cause of this daily feeling? I don't believe so, but how can I know. Not one person seems to know what is quite 'wrong' with me. I've been tested for all sorts; mainly auto-immune diseases as my mother has some, for thyroid problems, everything.

How did I used to cope? I think that this has got worse. To put it into perspective, I used to go to Dance college, then I did a Dance Degree, then I was an Army Reservist for 2 years... if I felt like this back then, would I have managed all that? Now don't get me wrong, I was ALWAYS unwell at university. I swear people thought I was making it up. To an extent I feel like people still do. How do I explain to someone that I just don't feel right. I don't feel well, no medical professional can tell me why, and yet here I am, struggling through life?!

All I can say is, this isn't easy. If you see me smiling and think my life is easy, it's not. I don't think anyone's is! Will I let how I feel affect my success? No. But sometimes I probably will have bad times, I will have bad moments and actually I won't feel like I can cope. I am determined to work out what is wrong with me, and in the meantime I'm putting it out there that its okay to not be okay. It's okay to feel unwell and have no idea why. It's okay to feel lost. Be nice to people, you have no idea what internal battles they may be facing.

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